Gettysburg Seventh-day Adventist Church

Scripture: Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise. Proverbs 13:10 (NLT)

Observation: Pride. Heb. zadon, “insolence,” “presumptuousness.” The contrast here is between the one who is too proud to take advice and who feel insulted if anyone suggests that he needs it, and the wise man who listens to the advice of men of experience. Not only does the proud man quarrel with those who would instruct him, but he gets into other disputes of various kinds as a result of following his own ill-advised ways (see chs. 11:2; 12:15). [The Seventh-day Adventist Bible Commentary, Volume 3. 1977 (F. D. Nichol, Ed.) (992). Review and Herald Publishing Association.]

Application: Disagreements and arguments crop up in even the best marriages. It's not the absence of conflict but rather how conflict is handled that is an important key to marital success or failure.  Some of the most current research confirms that poorly handled conflict between married couples can negatively influence mental, physical, and family health. Feelings of anger, bitterness, and unhappiness, which sometimes leads to separation and divorce, often result.

The question is, what cause conflict in marriage?  Although no two situations are alike, there are some common patterns that often result in marital conflict and sometimes even leads to infidelity in a marriage, separation, or divorce. Here are some of those possible causes:

1. Unacknowledged or Unresolved Anger or Resentment.  Anger and resentment that are not dealt with may be the trigger for future conflict. Disagreements over finances, sex, parenting, in-laws, or spirituality are reported as some of the most common issues over which couples have conflict.

2. Taking each other for granted and becoming bored with the relationship.  Instead of always growing in intimacy, some couples settle for a comfortable relationship and don’t strive to improve  it.  Unfortunately, many begin to focus on the negative things they see in their spouse and use them to criticize and even attack their perceived weaknesses.

3. “The “Mid-life Crisis.”  When individuals reach a certain age which has come to be known as “mid-life,” they get a certain itch, a boredom with the relationship, and with their own life.  One of the interesting features of this phase is that is based primarily on the fear of growing old or older and of being less attractive or less desirable.  It is now recognized that this insecurity is usually rooted in self-esteem issues from childhood or adolescence.

4. A Narcissistic Personality Style.  This describes a spouse who is so excessively self-involved and ego-centric that he or she doesn’t seem to have any regard or compassion for the needs or desires of others, including those of his or her spouse.   They don’t seem to feel any guilt, remorse, or shame for their hurtful or inappropriate behavior toward their spouse.

5. Unhealthy Communication Patterns.  It is commonly known that many couples have patterns of communication that lead to conflict, and that in order to change those patterns they need to be taught good communication skills.  The good news is that these skills can be learned.

6. Pride.  Today’s text also teaches us that pride leads to conflict.  Sinful, human nature seeks control.  As long as we allow our sinful nature, and therefore pride, to control us, we will seek to control our spouse.  If they also allow their sinful, human nature to control them, they will seek to control us.  That struggle for control will inevitably lead to conflict (Genesis 3:16).  On the other hand, Christ’s nature in us should lead us to be humble.  Instead of trying to control the other, Christ’s nature in us will lead us to want to serve our spouse.  Herein lies the solution for conflict in the Christian marriage.

A Prayer You May Say: Father God, help our nature to be more Christlike so that we may seek to serve one another and so that instead of having unhealthy conflict we may have loving harmony.

Used by permission of Adventist Family Ministries, North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists.